AIMLESS MEANDERINGS, I SUPPOSE...

...sorry to shift gears, but just thought i might share.... I just wrote this:

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Everything feels so strange at the moment. Maybe it's cuz I'm alone- there's something about being alone that puts you in a different mood, the silence can be deafening- but I felt compelled tonight to climb into a pair of socks and pull out the journal.

I've been sensing God's presence with me a bit more acutely these past few days. Could be that He's checking in with me, making sure that I'm all right... I was so insanely sad the other day. I can't remember feeling that melancholy... It's a strange version of loneliness, one that almost doesn't have a prescription. It's an idling of the soul, a restlessness of the spirit. The buzz of inactivity, boredom. A flutter of nerves, a crawl in the stomach... An eternity of sighs and mindless quandries. A sense of impending doom, a breathlessness, a dry heave, an indelible quench, a wet thirst, an aching paralysis...

I remember just staring at the wall and going out of my mind. As tears slipped down my cheeks I pulled out a mirror, probing deeply into my sad eyes... Why is it that we connect to God only in our pain? He's been whispering to me lately. Told me where Isa's glasses were, whispered my presentation into my ear today, told me what to study for on the test... Sometimes I'll stop, give pause to the wind that has just tousled my hair, the dewdrop that has slid past my cheek, and I become so acutely aware that I AM BEING WATCHED.

Maybe God heard me call out to Him the other day. I asked for a hug. I missed being touched- really touched. HELD. SQUEEZED.

I gave my presentation today in class. It went well. Mattie said that it was "impressive." No one else said anything, but that more than sufficed. Took my culture course final. Did barely above adequate, but couldn't have bombed it. I surrender it.

Life is moving. It's so undeterministic that it scares me at times, the unpredictability of it all, nonetheless, it clinks onwards. I'm contemplative. Treading. Learning. Digging into myself where I see fit.

I am the composer of my life. My life is my soundtrack. Lovely, yes?

I want to close my eyes and cull sleep, but my eyelashes keep fluttering --

--I suppose it's better that way...

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miss ya, shan. good luck studying :)